Orange Dad
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Tag Archives: parenting

Me and Evie: Dropping Her Off

January 15, 2013

 

 

 

me and evie

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This past Tuesday was a huge milestone for my little girl.  As my wife is working on her degree from Fresno Pacific, we decided that it would be good for Evie (and mom) to drop her off for a couple of half-days each week at our church’s child care center.

As a dad, I think I was proud of how easily Evie adjusted to this big change in her life.  It didn’t hurt that she was pretty familiar with the basic environment from going to church every Sunday.  She had already met some of her teachers, and we know that our childcare is “orange” and really trying to partner with families!  So, yeah, it was a no-brainer (in one sense).

On the other hand, it was hard.  It’s just hard to let go.  I think sometimes we forget that we’re not raising little Rapunzels to live in a tower or Quasimodos to live in our cathedrals– that, at some point, we have to let our princesses and princes experience the world.  How can Evie become a follower of Jesus if we lock her up in our home!

I’m thankful for the Child Care Center, though, for walking with us through this experience.  One of her teachers even texted us a picture of Evie eating lunch, so we didn’t have to worry.  When I picked her up on Thursday afternoon, she was sitting on the floor, in the lap of another teacher, reading a book with her monkey.  She was happy, and it made me happy.  She even told me, “She likes it when I sing to her.”  I love to think that someone else is singing to my baby as well.

Oh, and I’m not going to lie– I definitely “checked in on her” (being that I was right next door).  She’s adjusting to life with other people her age.  Boys.  Girls.  Nap time.  A different routine.

And, well, let’s face it– so are me and mommy.  A different routine.  But isn’t that name of the game with parenting?  I mean, just when you have one aspect nailed down, God presents new challenges.  I was reading in my Bible the other day, and some ideas came up (that seemed to be relevant to this).

Jesus is the Author of everything (including Evie, lasagna, sleep, the Doodlebops and sippy cups).  He is the Sustainer of everything as well (meaning God holds together my little one’s heart).  He is the End of everything (the reason Evie exists).  It won’t be long before she’s up at bat to glorify Him.  I want her to learn how to navigate life on her own, and I think a little socialization and figuring things out won’t hurt her in that process.

So, this week was a big step in that direction!  She’s charging ahead, and I’m excited to watch her grow up into it!

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Orange Thought Bubbles: The Long View

January 3, 2013

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I had one of those good phone calls recently.  As a youth pastor, there are definitely phone calls you dread, Facebook statuses that make you cringe, and emails that get your heart racing.  But, once in a blue moon, you get a really cool phone call that puts the other stuff into perspective.

A “kid” called me after me not hearing from him for ten years.

This was a kid that I always felt bittersweet about.  In one sense, I was proud of the fact that I had invested in him, sharing the Gospel, sharing how to have a relationship with Jesus, etc.  This was a kind-hearted kid who I’d spend a lot of time with, wrestling with life and faith.  In another sense, though (and this is probably compounded by there being no social networking ten years ago), I was very sad that we had lost touch.  He slipped out of my life when I was a young 24-year-old youth pastor, and I hadn’t talked to him since.  Since then, I’ve moved to California from North Carolina.  Seriously, what were the odds we’d ever talk again?

Yet it happened.  And it was cool.

Reconnecting was fun.  It was cool to hear that he was reconnecting to church because HIS KIDS (geez, am I getting this old?) were dragging him to church on Sunday morning.  ”Daddy, we have to go to church!”  Love it.  It’s awesome to hear that he’s going to be getting into a small group where he can grow in his faith.  Awesome, awesome, awesome.

I got to pray with him on the phone, knowing that this wouldn’t be the last conversation we have.  It’s amazing to think that he is now a veteran dad (with an eight-year-old and a four-year-old, I think), and I have much to learn from him.

This “kid” (who is now 27-years-old and a dad!) reminded me that sometimes we need to realize that God is writing a story with our lives.  And, yeah, sometimes there are some chapters that make us wonder what’s going on; but some of us with short-term gratification issues (most of us youth pastors and parents, more than likely) need to realize that there is a longer story that God is writing.

I’m excited to hear about this young man as he continues to grow in his faith and becomes an instrumental part of his children’s faith.  His story encourages me when I’m discouraged.  When students slip out the backdoor of the ministry I’m entrusted to lead, I have to remember that, for some people, it takes time– but God IS writing a story.  And I’m sure that for parents who are struggling with a teenager who’s just not “feeling church” right now, it could be an encouragement too.

Sometimes things take time.  Ten years maybe.  Maybe more.  In the end, though, the only thing that matters is a person’s relationship with Jesus Christ.  This boy/man is back on track.  Amen.

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The Most Un-”Orange-Dad” Verse in the Bible?!? #thinkorange

September 22, 2012

I love verses about loving your kids and investing in them.  You could probably rattle off a couple right off the top of your head (or make something up…or sprinkle in some Oprah quotes or something you read on a fortune cookie one time).

The bottom line is (and maybe this is one of the reasons that it’s easy to get an audience about parenting) that it’s easy to get people in our culture to talk about loving their kids.  This is something that is both Obama and Romney approved.  Love your kids.  Yay.

That’s why this verse with Jesus “messes with” me a little bit in Luke 14:25-27:

25 Now great crowds accompanied [Jesus], and He turned and said to them, 26 “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. 27 Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple.”

This sounds so radical to me.  In a culture that does everything it can to promote child safety, focus “on” the family, and universally love family (whether it’s traditional or “modern”), this is like fingernails scratching a blackboard or a record skipping during the middle of a dance party.  It’s abrupt.  It definitely gets your attention.  But what does Jesus mean?

Does Jesus mean that we’re supposed to forego our familial commitments in order to “prove” how much we love Jesus?  Does Jesus mean that we’re supposed to give our kids a snake when they ask for a loaf of bread? Does this mean that we should just insult our spouses every chance we get?

No, no, and no.

This is a hyperbolic statement.  That’s a literary device.  It’s meant to not be taken literally and is used for emphasis or effect.  So…what’s the emphasis?  Well, the conclusion is about following Jesus with your life.  So, Jesus is emphatically saying that Jesus must be primary.  Our pastor said last week that this is a DTR with Jesus in which He is seeking to “define the relationship.”  I remember those from my younger days.  A girl corners you and asks something to the effect of, “What are we doing here?” or “Where do you see this going?”  As a guy, we try to stiff-arm that conversation and get onto where we’re going to eat.

Jesus is asking us, “What are we doing here” or “Where do you see this relationship going?”  We can put off that question; but, more than anything, it’s the most important question you can answer about your own life.  Being a great husband or wife can’t save you.  Giving your children everything you didn’t have can’t save you.  Only Jesus can save you.

So…yes, compared to my relationship with Jesus, I guess I ought to hate my beautiful wife.

And, yes, compared to my relationship with Jesus, I guess I ought to hate my bubbly little baby.

And as weird as that sounds (I almost didn’t write it for fear of being misunderstood), I know that it needs to be true.  I can’t put anything ahead of my relationship with my Savior.  He brings me life.  He brings me joy.  He enables me (through the regeneration of my heart by the Holy Spirit) to really love my wife and my daughter.

First things first.  Make it personal.

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And the Winners Are…

September 9, 2012

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Heartfelt Father’s Day Experience

September 6, 2012

First off, I am completely aware that I am posting something about Father’s day September.  That may be an indication of how crazy my summer has been…

This past Father’s Day, my church had father’s come up on stage with one of their kids and a little cardboard sign.  On the cardboard sign was a number– a number signifying how many more weekends that dad had left to be the primary influence in his kid’s life (before they went off to college).  It was a powerful moment.  I’ve written about the concept before here.  Also, my header (for now) on my FB fan page is a picture of all the dads.

This video followed.  These are the dads who were “at zero.”  In other words, these were the dads whose sons and daughters were graduating and heading off to community college or college.  Just being a part of the filming process with these men was humbling, and it really made me think about the time that I have with Evie.  Thank you Jon, Mark, Paul, and Brian for sharing you heart in this:

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Orange Family Values

June 20, 2012

Today I want to take some time to check out a passage of the Bible that has been the foundation of a series that we just finished at New Harvest this past Sunday: Orange.  Actually, if you want to listen to the sermons from the series, you can listen here.  [These values come from a book, "Think Orange" by Reggie Joiner, which I highly recommend.]

We’re going to take it back to the old school and check out Moses’ charge to the nation of Israel not too long before his death.  It’s in the fourth book of the Bible: Deuteronomy.  What I’d like to do is take the passage bit by bit and provide a little reminder of what this verse means for us today:

Deuteronomy 6:4-12

“Hear O Israel…”

The first family value comes out of the first three words!  See, when Moses was speaking (and you’ll see it’s all about raising up the next generation to have authentic faith), he wasn’t just talking to parents.  He wasn’t just talking to “religious leaders.”  He was talking to the ENTIRE NATION.  That leads us to value #1…

#1 WIDEN THE CIRCLE

Widening the circle means allowing as many people as you can to invest in the spiritual growth of your kids.  Parents, that means that you can’t be the only spiritual voice in the lives of your kids.  Church people, it means that you’ve got to make sure that you partner WITH parents.  When it comes to imparting an authentic faith on the next generation, the more the merrier!

“…the LORD our God, the LORD is one.”

The second family value flows out of this.  Basically, Moses is saying that all of life boils down to this.  This is the framework for your life.  ”God is our God.  God is the only God.”  This may not seem significant on a surface level, but if life is all about God, how we raise our kids is going to be different than if we think that life is all about something else.  Life is not about being “well-adjusted” or “well-rounded” or “happy” or “having all the things we couldn’t have when we were kids.”  Life is about knowing Jesus and making Him known.  That’s why value #2 is…

#2 IMAGINE THE END

Instead of obsessing about WHAT we want our kids to be (ie, the next Peyton Manning, the next great ballerina, the next Bill Gates)– we should be focusing on who they are.  Do they understand that they are a child of God?  Does that captivate their hearts?  Is it the framework of every decision they make?  If that’s the goal, how do we get there?

“…you shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.”

God uses heart language to describe the relationship that He wants for His followers.  Yeah, parents would probably love to have an obedient kid; but, even beyond the rules, we should care about what’s going on in the heart.  Why do I say that?  It’s clear that God is most concerned with the heart condition of His followers throughout the Bible. That leads us to value #3…

#3 FIGHT FOR THE HEART

If God fights for our hearts by constantly reminding us of how much He loves us and all He’s done for us, shouldn’t we do the same for our kids?  We should fight for their hearts!  We shouldn’t give up on them (even when they break the rules).  We should demonstrate sacrificial, heart communication to our kids (even when they frustrate us to no end).  Why?  Because that’s how God loves us.

“And these words that I command you today shall be upon your heart.”

It’s easy to teach stuff that you don’t practice yourself.  But, when you see that your leader is not the real thing, it can really poke a hole in everything that person ever said.  That’s why we can’t teach our kids what we don’t own ourselves.  And that’s our #4 value…

#4 MAKE IT PERSONAL

You’ve got to own your relationship with God.  Most Christian parents want their kids to be “prayer warriors,” but rare is the family that actually takes the time to pray with their families (besides Thanksgiving or “grace”).  We don’t want our kids to form their viewpoints of the world based on media or their friends (or their schools), but we don’t expose them to the counter-message that’s in Scripture.  Oh, man, we’ve got to get this one right.

“…you shall teach [these words that I command you today] diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.  You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes.  You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.”

Moses talks about universal stuff that everyone in every time and every culture can do.  We all wake up, go to bed, talk at home, and travel.  In these natural rhythms of life, we’re supposed to talk about who God is and what difference He makes.  If life is all about Him, life’s rhythms should reflect Him throughout.  Which brings us to value #5…

#5 CREATE A RHYTHM

We can’t pretend that this kind of stuff (Bible study, discussions about God, what they’re learning in church, prayer, etc.) is just going to happen “organically.”  It won’t.  Our culture isn’t going to just remind us to do this.  We have to be intentional!  I love the Parent Cue app that Orange puts out because it at least gives us pointers in the right direction if we’re totally clueless!  But, whatever you do, you’ve got to wrestle with the rhythms of your family’s life and where God fits into all of it.

Moses ends by telling us why this is so important in verses 10-12.  To paraphrase: “One of these days.  Life is going to be a whole lot easier because God’s going to make good on His promise to give you an awesome land and an awesome life.  When you’ve got all that great stuff around you (distractions and blessings), make sure you don’t forget about God!”

Ultimately, that’s the thing: our kids can grow up to be “well-adjusted,” but how well adjusted can someone be when they’ve still got a HUGE sin problem?  And is it really great to be “well-rounded” at things that don’t matter?  What about being “happy” and ignorant?  No thanks.  Oh, and what about if they did have everything we c0uldn’t have growing up but totally MISSED the most important thing (a relationship with God).

These family values matter.

Let’s focus on the right stuff.

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What’s the Point of Parenting? @craiggroeschel #oc12

May 14, 2012

I was just listening to a song by Lecrae called “Misconception.”  The more and more I look at our culture, I’m beginning to think that we have so many misconceptions about the point of parenting.  Two covers of one baby magazine that MK and I get in the mail have recently had “how to raise a genius” and “how to raise a cultured child.”  Then, of course, that “Time” magazine cover has opened up the floodgates of this idea of “attachment parenting”– orbiting your whole world around your kids’ “needs.”

We may have some misconceptions.  And, yeah, maybe we sympathize with the struggles of families on shows like “Parenthood” or laugh at what we have in common with the families on shows like “Modern Family,” how often do we really think about the point of all this?

Craig Groeschel really leaned into this issue at the Orange Conference, and I’m glad he did.  He spoke to the culture.  Let’s be honest, our culture says that parenting is all about “raising well-rounded, well-educated, happy kids.”  Maybe you can throw in some other things that you like, but those seem to be three biggies.  But, Jesus says, “What good is it if you gain the whole world yet forfeit your soul?”

Groeschel reminds us of Psalm 71:18:

“Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me, O God, till I declare Your power TO THE NEXT GENERATION, your might TO ALL WHO ARE TO COME.”

This should be our prayer.  There is a different picture of successful parenting that is laid out in Scripture, and it looks something more like this:

“We are called to unleash single-minded, Christ-centered, Biblically-anchored, world-changers.”

Let’s break that down.  ”Unleash” means that you let them interact with the world, make a difference in the world (you can’t do that from a “holy huddle”).  ”Single-minded” implies that our kids would know how they are wired, what their gifts are.  ”Christ-centered” rightly assumes that life is all about Jesus.  ”Biblically-anchored” means that they would know God’s Word.  And the result of all of this would simply be that they are “world-changers.”  Or…”game changers” if you want to stick with the theme of the Orange Conference.

So…Groeschel explains some major ways in which we can do this, highlighting Deuteronomy 6:4-9:

“Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the LORD is one.  Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.  These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts.  Impress them on your children.  Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.  Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.  Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.”

1. As parents, we need to ENLIST SUPPORTING VOICES.

Moses is addressing “O Israel”– that’s like everybody.  Later on, this dynamic of widening the circle of influence is evident in the life of Timothy.  Yeah, he had his godly familial influences (Lois and Eunice, mom and grandma); but he also had Paul.  He would tell him the hard stuff like, “Don’t let anyone look down on you” and “don’t have a spirit of fear.”  Timothy had consistent harmonious voices in his life, encouraging him to step up and be a world-changer.

2. As parents, we need to RAISE THE EXPECTATIONS.

I guess we could aim for our kids to love God with some of their hearts and some of their mind and some of their strength.  That’d be the same as them getting some schooling or being kinda healthy, though!  Oh, how our standards have lowered in this area!  Did you know that back in the day, Jewish kids would memorize the first five books of the Bible before they were twelve years old?!?  [Now people in the church would gladly give a teenager $5 if they could just give the names of the books.]  This upcoming generation (“Time” magazine is calling our youngest adults now “kidults”) are growing up without much being expected of them.  [Apparently, getting trophies for just showing up wasn't the BEST idea in the world.  You were supposed to feel bad if you didn't get a blue ribbon on Field Day!]  So, the question really is, “How are you going to raise the expectations?”  Groeschel talked about how, amongst his six children, they each have to have a mentor and be a mentor for someone else.  He posed the semi-rhetorical question, “How many 11-year-olds can mentor or 16-year-olds can write a book?”  The answer: ones who are told they CAN.  But are we telling our kids these things: “You CAN lead a Bible study.”  ”You CAN lead a friend to Christ.”  ”You CAN lead a mission trip.”  Challenging stuff.

3. As parents we need to KEEP IT REAL.

Deuteronomy 6:7-9 has this undercurrent that talking about God should be NORMAL in your home.  Praying for others should be NORMAL.  Have we made this, as my pastor likes to say, “Abeenormal” (or as Groeschel would say, “Weird”)?  We’ve got to grow up a generation of young people who don’t think that God is just a “part” of their lives– He’s everything.  I love that Groeschel shared how he offers a fatherly blessing to his kids every morning before he leaves.  [Wow.  What a legacy that would be to Evie.  I can't believe I had forgotten about that one!  Glad I'm reviewing my notes!]  Groeschel simply stated, “If it’s not real to you, they won’t do it.”  So is prayer real to you?  Is the Word real to you?  Is truth real to you?  Is integrity real to you?  Is grace real to you?  Even we ministry-types need to repent of ever putting “the work of God” ahead of His work in us.

In the words of Simon Cowell (but for totally different reasons): “The bar has officially been raised.”  Imagine the end.  What do you want your kid(s) to become?

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Lost Bearings (#oc12)

April 25, 2012

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Last night was a funny picture of what it looks like to have things suddenly change without you realizing it. You have to have a sense of humor about these things…

Last night I got to go to a dinner for the Orange Bloggers at the Gwinnett Arena. It was a great time, and I’ve already met some people who I consider to be great sources of wisdom about ministry. But I’ll get to all that conference stuff later…

When everything shut down for the night at Gwinnett, I walked outside and noticed a bridge, a lake, and that it was dark. I literally (and, yes, I mean “literally” this time) walked around for twenty minutes, trying to find my bearings. Somewhere in the midst of the evening, I had become so engrossed in the conversation that I didn’t realize that we had switched buildings– and I didn’t know how to get back to where I wanted to be! Throw in the fact that I’m in an unfamiliar city with an unfamiliar car (a rental), and you can see the stress! I felt about as lost as Jack, Hurley, and Claire on that crazy island. Don’t worry. I am still alive.

It reminds me of something my pastor was talking about this week in our Family Ministry team meeting. He was talking about one of the times when everything changes in parenting. I have seen so many, even in six months. Sleeping through the night. Solid food. Turning onto her stomach. Specifically, though, he was talking about how sometime in those tweenager years, parenting has to shift from a “command and control” approach to one of influence.

If that doesn’t happen, you may end up in the dark, disoriented, thinking you know where you are with your son or daughter when all of a sudden there are weird things that you’ve never seen before. You start saying things your parents used to say (and you hated!), and the whole relationship seems to hang in the balance of “getting it right.”

One thing I like about being orange is that it implicitly has “preventative measures” for this phenomenon. When that relational drift begins to happen in late elementary, middle, or high school, as a parent, you would have already widened the circle of those adults in each child’s life to ensure that, in their new operating system of wanting freedom, they are still having wisdom spoken into their lives.

Have you ever had a “who is this child, and what have you done with _____” moment? Were there other adults you could trust that maybe had more of a voice at that time than even you? Was that comforting or kind of scary?

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The Voice

April 11, 2012

I called my dad this morning. This is an amazing thing, in and of itself. It’s a long story that you can read about here: Part One, Part Two, Part Three, and Part Four.

I was joking around about how I’m kind of afraid to shave my beard because Evie likes to pull on it so much. Also, what if she didn’t recognize me! My dad reminded me that, even in the womb, a baby starts to recognize her mother’s and her father’s voice. I was even thinking about how, in a church full of people and babies, I can hear a cry and know instantly whether it is Evie’s or if it’s another baby’s.

I’ve had a hard few weeks. I’ve been kicked in the gut a few times and have been wearing it on my sleeve. So…like I mentioned before, there was some sort of weird awesomeness that came out of my dad telling me that he would be praying for me– blessing me.

All of this made me think of John 10:3-5…

“…the sheep listen to [the Shepherd's] voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When He has brought out all His own, He goes on ahead of them, and His sheep follow Him because they know His voice. But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger’s voice.”

Babies recognize their parents’ voices.
Parents recognize their babies’ cries.
There’s something special about hearing a blessing from the voice of a parent.

But, more than that…

Those who know God can recognize God’s voice.
Those who know God trust God.
Those who know God can disregard fake voices.

What am I seeing for us, as orange parents, followers of Jesus…

* Parents, what we do with our voices in our kids’ lives matter. How are you using your words?

* Children of God, which voice are you listening for?

* The two prior points are interrelated. I just don’t think we’re going to have much to offer our kids if we’re not connecting to the Shepherd’s voice in our own lives. You can give what you don’t got!

One of the coolest things is to come home after the day and walk in the door. MK’s usually holding Evie on the couch. The second I open my mouth, Evie turns her head towards me with expectation. She hears her father’s voice.

I should follow her example and earnestly seek the voice of my Father.

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I Don’t Get It

March 28, 2012

Confession time. Recently, I was sitting on the couch, watching TV, and this ad came on:

I looked over at Mary Kate (my wife); and said, “OK, this commercial makes no sense to me. I don’t get it.”

Then she explained that it was all about the movie “The Black Swan.” I didn’t even realize the girl was wearing a ballerina outfit. The commercial went from being kind of lame to pretty genius. I just didn’t get it in the first place.

I was thinking about that experience, about finally admitting that I might not know everything and chancing that my wife might know what was going on; and I realized that this is not normal for me.

If I don’t know something, I don’t like asking people. I don’t want to ask for help. I’ll keep quiet and Google it later. I’ll pretend like I know what people are talking about.

For some reason, I equate my coolness with being able to know everything about everything.

Here’s the problem with that: I can’t be an expert on everything.

I’m not an expert on parenting. That’s for sure. When Evie came into this world about five months ago, it was less of a “OK, you’ve crammed and know everything, right?” than a “Ready or not, here I come!”

I feel more “not” than “ready.”

Ready or not, this is what God calls His people to do when it comes to being a parent (extracted from Deuteronomy 6:5-7):

- Love God with all your intentions
- Love God with your deepest passions
- Love God with the most commitment you can possibly muster
- Internalize God’s Word
- Impress God’s Word on the hearts of your kids
- Talk about His Word all the time

Pretty intimidating, huh? But the stakes of not admitting that we need help are so much greater than if we fail to mention that we don’t understand a Mustang commercial. For one, this is a command from God. It’s the way things are supposed to be. Also, we’re talking about something so precious– our kids.

Which is more important to you, though, preserving your pride or taking help?

This is why I love Orange. At New Harvest, we’re walking with you, offering up ways to do what God is commanding us to do.

If you’ve got a baby, listen to Parent Link Live.

If you’ve got a toddler, those monthly Parent Cues that you can pick up at registration are vital (also…stay tuned for a pre-school parent blog!).

If you’ve got elementary kids, there are myriad ways, between the Parent Cues, Family Life Live, and (my favorite) the Parent Cue App.

If you’ve got middle school or high school kids, our parent cues are now taking video form and are available on our blog and our Facebook fan page.

Look, I had to ask what was going on with that commercial. Maybe we need to take the small steps to get us to start realizing the potential that we have as parents to impress God’s Word on our kids’ hearts.

It all starts with a question, “Hey, um, I’ve got a kid whose _______. What can I be doing to help her grow in her faith?”

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