Orange Dad
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Tag Archives: parenting beyond your capacity

“Raising Adults” Thanks @cnieuwhof.

January 21, 2012

Sorry, I couldn't resist with the NFC Championship being tomorrow!

I recently discovered another fantastic resource that my friends at Orange have provided for parents called Parent Link Live. In our pre-K ministry at New Harvest, we get a little half sheet with an inspiring message and a link to this site. I had a recent conversation with Jocelyn (our pre-K coordinator) and said, “Hey, just tell MK and me what to do and we’ll do it!” So it was cool to get this half sheet on Sunday with some next steps for MK and me to become more involved with Evie’s growth. Thanks, Jocelyn, for helping the Manninos be orange!

On Parent Link Live you can listen to some podcasts (seem to be less than ten minutes) from Carey Nieuwhof, a pastor in Toronto. To be honest, I only know Carey from his co-writing of “Parenting Beyond Your Capacity” (with Reggie Joiner); but, since it’s the one book about parenting that I’ve ever read in which I agreed with just about everything, I’m already a fan. Also, he’ll be a speaker at the Orange Conference. Have I mentioned that I’m excited about that yet? He he he…

Each month, Parent Link Live highlights some aspect of parenting and speaks into it. This month, the bottom line was that we’re not raising “kids”– we’re raising adults!

Carey forced MK and me to realize that Evie is an adult that we’re raising. As crazy as that sounds, it’s true. Right now, we are celebrating milestones left and right.

Oh, look, she’s smiling now!
Pretty soon she’ll be eating food!
She’s outgrown her 0-3 month clothes!

You get the idea. But Carey really challenged me in this thought. We’ve got to “resist our cultural tendency to keep our kids little. Cuteness is not the point of life.”

Carey suggests some things that, although further down the road for me, may not be down the road for you.

I’m not going to give it all away. You go listen to it here.

I’m just following the first suggestion: “write it down: ‘I’m raising an adult (not a child).’”

Posted by in orange parents, parent link live Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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Focus the Family…On What?

January 6, 2012

This is part two of a series of posts that starts here.

Earlier this week, I was really wrestling with this idea of how, if we’re not careful, we can really make parenting something it is not. Abraham, in the book of Genesis, is given a vision from God for what his family was supposed to be all about.

“I will make you into a great nation,
and I will bless you.
I will make your name great,
and you will be a blessing.
I will bless those who bless you,
and whoever curses you I will curse;
and all peoples on earth
will be blessed through you.”

God, before Abraham even has a kid, tells him that his kid (and all those kids after that) are going to be “a blessing” and that “all the peoples on the earth will be blessed through [them].” When it comes down to it, a “nation” is people. In this case, it is Abraham’s family– and they were made for a reason.

I’m not Jewish. Technically, Abraham is not my father in this sense. But, he is my father in another way. He has often been called the a “father of the faith.” He believed God. He didn’t just believe the trueness of His statements. He believed in God.

God gave Abraham a vision. I believe that the God who Abraham served is the same God who I serve. I want Evie to encounter and fall in love with Him. I look at Evie sometimes; and, yeah, I pray that she doesn’t get things all wrong like I did when I was younger. I pray that having a mom and a dad who love Jesus and believe Him for who He says He is will focus her.

I wrestle with a strong inner desire for my daughter to be “daddy’s little girl” and think I’m the best dad ever. It would be scary, though, if I was everything for her. Nothing can rival God’s love for her. I want Jesus to be everything to Evie and for her to embrace all the implications that go along with that.

Shane and Shane sing about this issue in their song, “The One You Need.” I love what they wrote on their blog about it.

“As new parents, there is ONE thing we want our little girls to know. One Man. The only One Who can satisfy her every need. The only one who can provide a happily ever after. Jesus. Seeing the world through the eyes of a father changes our focus. The broken things become clear and even our own fallible natures are seen in a new light. Sobering truths like this should lead us into a deeper Faith in the only one who is not broken, but was broken for us, the children of God. This is the reality we long for our daughters and sons to live in. That Jesus, is the the one you need. Whom do I have in heaven but You? There is NOTHING on earth that I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart may fail (and mine sure have), but you are the strength of my heart and my portion forever. *Psalm 73: 25-26″

Watch the video here if you haven’t seen it. But check out some of the lyrics:

You know I’ve loved you from the start
So come in close, take my hand
While daddy shares his heart

I wish that I could be your everything
Be the one to give you all the things you need
Sometimes I’m gonna let you down

There’s someone and if you just believe
He’ll be your hero like He’s always been for me
Darling, Jesus is the One you need

No matter what you walk through
He will always love you
Just the way you are

For there’s nothing in this world
That I want for my baby girl
Than to be happy ever after

The story of your life is still untold
I pray the king of all the universe
Would make your heart His home

At an early age, I want to point Evie (focus her) towards this God of Abraham, Moses, the disciples, and her mommy and daddy. I want her to be in wonder of who He is.

And as she grows, I want to bring into focus who she really is– not who boys tell her she is, not who the other girls in school tell her she is– but to discover who God says she is.

And even at a young age, I would love to see her start to see that the world isn’t about her– we are called to have passion for others.

I would love for her to be a blessed girl who is a blessing to others. And I think that all starts with focus now.

Posted by in paul, songs Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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Whatever the Opposite of a Control Freak Is…

January 3, 2012

Ah, in typical Reggie Joiner fashion, he hit me right where he needed to today (but with a twist) with a great post on his Orange Parents blog. Go check it out by clicking here, but please come back!

I encourage you to check it out. It hit me because I don’t want my lack of self-control to raise up Evie on shaky ground; and I’m afraid it does.

Reggie gave a couple of places that we should be aware of for how we can build self-control into our kids. Remember on Saturday Night Live when Dana Carvey used to do his Regis Philbin impersonation. He would say, “I’m out of control.” Well, then it was funny; but the sad thing is that I don’t think I’m very self-controlled as a dad! My self-assessment is in parentheses.

“You can affect how your kids learn self control when you

…implement the right structure and schedule.

[Oy. Structure? Schedule? At thirty-three I'm still trying to be good at this. But, left to my own devices (like on vacation), I would prefer to just wake up and do whatever I feel like doing.]

…pursue moderation in how you eat, play video games, watch TV, use your computer.

[How I eat-- like I said, I'm working on it. How I play video games-- how did Reggie know this was a weakness! Oh, he didn't. It was supposed to be for kids, not parents. Woops. Watch TV-- MK and I are junkies for watching TV together. Use my computer-- ugh, but I have a blog! OK...suffice is to say that I've got to do better with these things as an adult before I can enforce them when Evie is all grown up.]

…establish a system for homework and chores.

[I have to be asked to do basic household "chores." But I am a beast at doing my homework. This is a mixed bag for me. But the not helping out around the house without being asked is a serious weakness. I know that.]

…instill healthy financial habits of giving and saving.

[I want to be more generous, and we just don't save. Why is it that it's so easy to want for our kids what we don't do ourselves?]

…create values in how you speak to each other and express frustrations.“

[I get angry too easily. This is not a good thing. I'm getting better, but I'm still not where I'd like to be]

My thoughts after reading Reggie’s post: if I’m not careful, I want Evie to become something that I’m not. And that’s dangerous ground. Parenting Beyond Your Capacity reminded me that as a parent you need to “Put yourself first when it comes to personal growth.” I’ve got more things to pray about and talk to my wife about.

This parenting thing isn’t easy is it? I’m glad that men like Reggie can speak some hope into it, though…

Posted by in orange parents, paul Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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How Can I Help You?

December 28, 2011

When I was in high school, I worked the triple crown of fast food restaurants. I worked at McDonald’s, Taco Bell, and Subway. So I am going to say what I’m about to say with a little bit of fast food credibility. Very few (except for Chick-Fil-A) workers at fast food restaurants actually greet anymore. I used to do this as a social experiment (and don’t recommend it for mature Christians). I would walk into a fast food restaurant and stare at the person working there until they greeted me. Sometimes it would be an awkward few seconds, and they would impatiently look at me as if I was doing something wrong. I just remember in all the training videos that they used to tell you that you were supposed to welcome someone to the restaurant and ask, “How can I help you?”

This might not be a dad issue, per se; but I think one of the greatest things a dad can do is love his wife. And, in that vein, I have to wonder, “Do we really ask our wives ‘how can I help you’ enough?”

I had one of these tough conversations recently. This may be a semi-universal issue in that we all want people to know what we want without having to say it, but we also wish that people would tip us off on what they want. And this isn’t a selfish thing– it’s just literally that I think we sometimes forget how limited our point-of-view really is.

So…when was the last time you, husband dad-type, have asked how you can help your wife? I’m not talking about the “ok-do-I-have-all-my-bases-covered-so-I-can-watch-the-game-in-peace” kind of asking, but the “I-value-you-so-much-that-I-want-to-make-sure-that-you’re-doing-ok” kind. The second kind is a lot more difficult, but it goes a long way. This may affect things that you enjoy. This may affect how you go about doing something. You might not “like” the answer. Chances are, since you defaulted to doing something else in the first place, your wife’s answer might not even seem natural for you to do or against your nature. But here’s what the Apostle Paul says in Philippians 2:3-5 (in the Bible):

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus…”

Paul goes on to explain that Jesus was able to take on the nature of a servant when He deserved so much more. Maybe we feel like we “deserve” our me-time around the house when we’ve had a hard day of solving the world’s problems, but our “deserving” doesn’t even compare to Jesus’ deserving. He served. We should too. The wife. The kids. Others. Orange Dad’s serve. We are called to be servant-leaders.

Back to the main point– I’ve also found that the more “how-can-I-help-you” conversations that I have with Mary Kate, the more I can sense what she wants without even asking. When you’re not asking those questions regularly, that may sound like an impossible mind-game. When you are, though, I think you become in step with her heart. There’s honor in that.

You’ve heard it said a million times: “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” So be like a Chick-Fil-A employee and ask, “How can I help you?” And when she thanks you, say, “My pleasure.”

Posted by in paul Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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Kind of a Big Deal

December 10, 2011

I’m trying to figure out how to get traction in the Orange Dad community. It’s not so much that I’m concerned about whether or not I’ve got a high readership, etc. I am more concerned with the fact that I’ve been writing but there hasn’t been much interaction, discussion, or even pushback with the dads out there.

Am I just coming up against years and years of conditioning that tells dads that the best way to be a parent is to be a “provider”? Although being a provider is important, that’s certainly not the only thing. But I feel like a lot of guys have more to say about sports, their fantasy teams, their jobs, politics, etc. than they do about one of the most important roles they will ever play: being a father.

Is it that we spend too much time fantasizing about other things on the internet when we could get serious about the reality of our roles as dads:

Is the internet just a place to act like a hotshot by talking junk about political things or being the most sarcastic guy in the world?

Is it merely a place that men go to check the stats of their players so they can feel like they are a GM of a pro team?

Is it a place to become a hero in a fake world by playing hours of video games that won’t contribute at all to our “hero” status on this earth?

Is it a place to objectify women and steal away our hearts?

Is it a place to acquire more stuff to keep up with those fictional Joneses?

I don’t know the answers to these questions, but I feel like this issue is an important one. I guess that if I felt that there was an outlet or regular “real life” forum for men to discuss these issues I wouldn’t be so frustrated about this community’s failure to launch. But is there? Where are the men talking about these things?

I want to be a part of changing this culture.

If you disagree with me, fine. Tell me. Let’s get into some serious discussion.

If you’re skeptical about what all this “God stuff” has to do with being a good dad. Fine, let’s talk about it here.

If you’re embarrassed because you know you’re dropping the ball, should we let the fear of people knowing we’re flawed (just like everyone else) be the reason why we don’t participate in the iron sharpening ability of community.

Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” This can’t happen if I’m talking to myself all day. I’ll be about as sharp as one of those pool noodles.

So…what’s relevant to you? Pitch ideas. Let’s explore the tough stuff. If you want to anonymously propose topics that are kicking your butt right now, do it.

Let’s leave it all out on the field when it comes to being a dad.

After all, being a dad is kind of a big deal.

Posted by in paul Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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Meeting Dads in the Middle

December 6, 2011

I’ve been wrestling with the idea of what is REALLY looks like for the church to partner with the family, and a wise man gave me a great idea. I asked this guy, who is a ministry vet and a guy who really “gets” the orange philosophy what was the best thing he did to grow in his relationships with entire families in his ministry– and I’m not sure what I expected to be his response– but sometimes the simplest answers are the ones that make the most sense.

“Have a Bible study for dads of teenagers.”

I remember already having pushback in my mind, “Wait, no, I’m the ‘student’ ministries director. Could or should I be spending that much time with grown men?” Yes, I know, I laugh at myself sometimes too. But, hey, I’m being honest.

I want to grow alongside other dads. I think that’s the stance that I want to take. I know that I am way, way behind them as far as being a dad goes. I have a six-WEEK-old. They would at least have a twelve-YEAR-old. But experience or even having something to bring to the table isn’t really the issue.

Then my friend when totally counter-intuitive on me and told me to resist the temptation to make the Bible study a topical one about parenting. Instead, he said to just go through a book of the Bible. Again, my mind is thinking, “What, no, I need to be a better ‘steward’ of the time that we would have together.” Actually, what would be better than to go through the Gospel of John, grow in WONDER at who God is, DISCOVER who we are in Christ (and as dads, husbands, etc.), and develop PASSION for others (the world, our family, our co-workers). I think the Bible can do that on its own. So I am going to trust God in this one.

It’s going to be an interesting journey. Something I’ve never really tried before. I’m just the assembler, not the teacher. Something tells me that I am going to learn so much and be blessed on Wednesday mornings at Denny’s.

The joke around New Harvest is that my nickname “PM” is an indication of when I do all my ministry. Some weeks, that’s the way it feels (with an event or meeting nearly every night). Rarely, do I use the AM as a time to do anything productive (I’m recovering). But this is a priority to me, so I am getting up early enough so that almost no one would have an excuse for why they’d miss: 6 AM – 8 AM. I hope that, by creating a middle, dads will meet me there.

Posted by in orange leaders, orange parents, paul Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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The Day I Became Orange

December 6, 2011

So, yesterday I officially became an “orange” dad. All this orange jive comes from the book “Think Orange: Imagine the Impact When Church and Family Collide…” by Reggie Joiner. It’s an awesome read that I’m reading in small chunks because it’s so, so rich with wisdom of WHY it’s so critical for the family and the church to partner together. In the book, Reggie says:

“There are two powerful influences on the planet–
the church and the home.

They both exist because God initiated them.

They both exist because God desires to use them
to demonstrate His plan of redemption and restoration.

If they work together they can potentially
make a greater impact than if they work alone.

They need each other.

Too much is at stake for either one to fail.

Their primary task is to build God’s kingdom
in the hearts and minds of men and women, sons and daughters.“

Word.

And yesterday was a great first day because MK and I actually got to drop Evie off in our pre-K ministry, which New Harvest calls “Starting Line.”

I wasn’t even remotely nervous because I know how competent the volunteers are, and I know that this is God’s plan for Evie. It was awesome to go to the front desk and have one of the volunteers, Ken, snap a picture of the “drop off” for posterity. [I wanted to bring my camera, but I didn't want to be "that guy" who brings his camera to everything. Thanks, Ken, for helping me have what I wanted!] Here’s that pic:

Then we dropped Evie off with Holly and Sam. It was really cool that Sam, one of our high school girls, was in there that morning! It just felt right. I know Jocelyn (our Starting Line Coordinator) probably made a few visits into the baby room to “see how Evie was doing” too. Evie was surrounded by love. :-)

I love the aim of Starting Line. No, the aim isn’t just, “Survive crying, change diapers, and give them goldfish to eat.” Instead, they are going to do their best before she even enters kindergarten to help her realize that:

“God MADE Me
God LOVES Me
Jesus Wants to be My FRIEND Forever“

Awesome, awesome. The circle has officially widened beyond just family. Evie had some church up on Sunday. And it felt delightfully orange.

Oh, and she was fine. And so were we. After her day, full of Starting Line, “big church,” and Family Life Live, Evie actually slept through the whole night last night. A first. Awesome.

Posted by in books, paul Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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Carlos Is Orange

November 16, 2011

When you google, “orange dad,” this post comes up on Carlos Whittaker’s blog. What I like is that he means what I mean by it. Here’s what he says:

“Here’s the deal.
I have 3 kids.
Sohaila.
Seanna.
Losiah.

All three of them are unique in the way that God has crafted them.
All three of them take a unique style of parenting.
All three of them can be set loose to follow God with the curriculum and ideals behind Orange.
These kids are the world to me.
I want to see them spring to Jesus however that looks.
Falling, stumbling, jumping, laughing, crying, puking, singing, screaming.
However they get there.
I want to help them.
And Reggie Joyner and his team have what I believe is the best way to do that.
They study the child.
They study wonder and put it in a way that I could never.

If parents would only realize how they bore their children. -George Bernard Shaw

I need all the help I can get, and I choose to follow the Orange model to pull that off.”

Cool beans. Any other orange dads out there?

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970 Weekends Until I Lose My Marbles…

November 15, 2011

Wow…what an amazing, though-provoking post by Reggie Joiner that came up today. In it he says:

“We handed out jars of marbles to every family. There was one for each child in the home. There were enough marbles in each jar to represent the number of weekends children had left at home before they headed to college. For example there were jars with approximately–

468 marbles for 4th graders
364 marbles for 6th graders
208 marbles for 9th graders
104 marbles for 11th graders

Some parents used calendars to calculate the exact number of weekends for each individual child. They kept the jar in a visible place in their home and removed a marble each passing week to illustrate how much time they had left with their kids. It was a sobering visual reminder of how fast time goes.”

Sobering indeed. So I had to calculate. I will be dropping Evie (maybe “Evelyn” by then) to college sometime in August of 2030. That means I’ve got approximately 970 more weekends with her. Wow. I’ve already enjoyed the three that we’ve had. I can’t imagine what I’m going to do with the 970. I know that I want to turn up the dials in her life to show her that God is amazing, she is an amazing creation, and she can love and add value to others.

So…what’s your number for all your kids? I encourage you to read Reggie’s post.

What’s your number, and what are you going to do with the time that you have?

Posted by in orange parents, paul Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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“The Slow Fade”: College Ministry Redefined

November 10, 2011

My friends from Orange sent me a book that I’ve been wanting to grab ever since it came out: “The Slow Fade” by Reggie Joiner, Chuck Bomar, and Abbie Smith. I was thumbing through it in the resource area at the Orange Tour but just didn’t buy it.

And then they sent it to me. I’m glad I waited, but I don’t think having two copies would be a bad thing (one to keep, one to share).

I was fascinated by how the Orange Philosophy fits into college/young-adult ministry. I mean, isn’t the whole idea of the Orange Philosophy for parents and the church to unite to raise up the next generation? College ministry has constraints. Sure, some of their parents are around their parents still or even still living at home; but, for the most part, college/young-adult ministry is about kids transitioning to adulthood (sans parents). So how does the Orange crew address it?

In two words: SIMPLY yet PROFOUNDLY.

In this quick read (I read it in two sittings), the three authors combine their voices to present a case of a relationship-driven (not program-driven college/young-adult ministry experience). The book progresses through the notion that, in most churches, this age group is pretty ghostly (almost invisible); but it’s not that hard to connect them to older people in the local church and help them “rematerialize” before the church’s very eyes.

I’ve got a bunch of ideas that I want to explore from this book (in no particular order):

* Abbie talks about the “mentors” she had when she was in college. Who were mine? Who were yours?

* Is it really that hard to find common ground with this age group? Here’s a hint: NO!

* An adult mentor can subtly turn the dials of WONDER at who God is, DISCOVERY of who they are in Christ, and PASSION for the world through a “mentor”-like relationship. And it’s not as hard as it sounds.

* There is a great template for how to connect adults in the church at large to people in this critical age group. I personally became convicted that, in order for the college/young-adult ministry at New Harvest (Reaction), to thrive and be sustainable, I’ve got to widen the circle of influence beyond me and Mary Kate.

* Once an older adult makes a connection with a person in this age group, it makes it that much easier to connect them to other people in the church who they glean maturity from.

* People in this age group want to not only be involved– they want to serve in a meaningful way. (Phew…at least I already knew one thing in this book. :-) )

* The thing that works best in these mentor/mentee relationships is that there has to be humility on the part of the mentor to realize that both sides of the relationship are in a process of maturation– and they can grow and learn together.

* Chuck Bomar’s charge to ministry leaders should be a post in and of itself because of the richness of the challenges.

* “Old people” can say a lot of things that are unintentionally (but still have the effect of being) discouraging to college students and young adults. I love that the book provides some basic perspective shifts on some typical conversation points with this age group. Again, another post for another day. Rich (and kind of funny).

All in all, I think I have my marching orders. I’ve got to widen this net. There have to be more people involved in the lives of this “invisible” age group, otherwise we should not be surprised that our churches are aging out. We make a false assumption when we think that “Oh, this is just a phase. They’ll come back when they have kids.” Will they?

I’d rather keep them connected if it’s all the same and not throw up a white flag at the slow fade.

Posted by in books Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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