This past week, I was preparing for a message that I was giving on Sunday night; and a prayer from Jacob really hit me.  The prayer’s context is pretty important.  Jacob was a sneaky, sneaky guy.  Earlier in his life, he was the kind of person who would sell a dead parakeet to a blind kid.  One of his antics got him in a ton of hot water: stealing his father’s blessing from his brother, Esau.  When Esau found out that Jacob had stolen his father’s blessing by tricking his dad, he intended to kill his brother.  So…Jacob, being the smart kid that he was, bolted from his home to spend many years as a fugitive– in fear of Esau’s wrath.

Maybe he would have stayed away for his whole life.  Who knows?  There’s was just one wrinkle in this whole story.  Jacob was the grandson of Abraham.  Since he was, this meant that he was the heir of the promise that was given to his grandfather, namely that he would be the father of a “great nation” and prosper in the Promised Land.

According to God, living like a fugitive was not the plan.  God promised Jacob that, if he returned, he wouldn’t die.  God’s promise would endure– in spite of Jacob’s bad behavior.

This prayer comes up right before Jacob is about to dip his toe back into the pool of a relationship with Esau.  After years of being away, Jacob was ready to go home– and hoping that Esau would literally bury the hatchet.

Here’s the prayer (with some stuff left out for focus):

“O God…you who said to me, ‘Go back to your country and your relatives, and I will make you prosper,’…Save me, I pray from the hand of my brother Esau, for I am afraid he will come and attack me…But You have said, ‘I will surely make you prosper and will make your descendants like the sand of the sea, which cannot be counted.”

Let me pull out stuff from this awesome, real prayer.

1. Jacob goes to God with his problem.  Do we model this in our home?  Where do we take our problems?

2. Jacob knows what God has promised.  Do we know God’s promises?  Kind of hard to know if we’re not reading His Word.

3. Jacob is totally real about how he’s feeling.  Yes, Jacob knows that God has said he will not die– but he doesn’t feel it; and he’s being honest before God about those raw (very understandable) feelings.

4. Jacob falls back on God’s promise, in the end.  Jacob’s prayer doesn’t end with his feelings.  Instead, he goes back to God’s promises.

How do we model prayers to teenagers?  If we skip step two and four, we’re just praying through our feelings– with no knowledge of God.  If we skip step three, though, we’re never really laying our hearts before God.  So, how can we model this kind of promise-motivated vulnerability to the next generation?

This past Tuesday was a huge milestone for my little girl.  As my wife is working on her degree from Fresno Pacific, we decided that it would be good for Evie (and mom) to drop her off for a couple of half-days each week at our church’s child care center.

As a dad, I think I was proud of how easily Evie adjusted to this big change in her life.  It didn’t hurt that she was pretty familiar with the basic environment from going to church every Sunday.  She had already met some of her teachers, and we know that our childcare is “orange” and really trying to partner with families!  So, yeah, it was a no-brainer (in one sense).

On the other hand, it was hard.  It’s just hard to let go.  I think sometimes we forget that we’re not raising little Rapunzels to live in a tower or Quasimodos to live in our cathedrals– that, at some point, we have to let our princesses and princes experience the world.  How can Evie become a follower of Jesus if we lock her up in our home!

I’m thankful for the Child Care Center, though, for walking with us through this experience.  One of her teachers even texted us a picture of Evie eating lunch, so we didn’t have to worry.  When I picked her up on Thursday afternoon, she was sitting on the floor, in the lap of another teacher, reading a book with her monkey.  She was happy, and it made me happy.  She even told me, “She likes it when I sing to her.”  I love to think that someone else is singing to my baby as well.

Oh, and I’m not going to lie– I definitely “checked in on her” (being that I was right next door).  She’s adjusting to life with other people her age.  Boys.  Girls.  Nap time.  A different routine.

And, well, let’s face it– so are me and mommy.  A different routine.  But isn’t that name of the game with parenting?  I mean, just when you have one aspect nailed down, God presents new challenges.  I was reading in my Bible the other day, and some ideas came up (that seemed to be relevant to this).

Jesus is the Author of everything (including Evie, lasagna, sleep, the Doodlebops and sippy cups).  He is the Sustainer of everything as well (meaning God holds together my little one’s heart).  He is the End of everything (the reason Evie exists).  It won’t be long before she’s up at bat to glorify Him.  I want her to learn how to navigate life on her own, and I think a little socialization and figuring things out won’t hurt her in that process.

So, this week was a big step in that direction!  She’s charging ahead, and I’m excited to watch her grow up into it!

In case you missed it, here are some great things to stimulate your thinking…

On Tuesday, I talked about prioritizing time-out with your family, especially in the form of a vacation.  You can find the post here.  This has been a journey for me because I do love working at my job and am kind of (really) cheap.  Maybe you need a kick in the pants too, and I hope this helps!

Speaking of that vacation, I finally got some pictures to share:

I just loved seeing what stuck out to her, like these gas pumps that were like fish bowls in Toon Town.

This is me carpe saltare-ing, seizing the dance with my little one.  My favorite memory.

I like this picture because we both open our mouths wide open when we’re taking in new information, like the Alice in Wonderland ride. 

I do want to share a post from Orange Parents as well that talks about taking on a big project with your kids.  Whether building a treehouse, consistently reading through a chapter book, or going through The Truth in the Tinsel, I’d love to have Evie say to me one day, “I don’t think it will ever be finished. We can always keep going, can’t we?”  Check it out.

On Thursday, I switched gears to compare teenagers to dwarves from Middle Earth– both searching for “home.”  You can find it here.  It’s just the way I see the world, and I hope that it encourages those of you who love and serve young people.

Also on a church-leadership front, check out Orange Leaders, who are treating us this week to a grab-a-cup-of-coffee-and-settle-down-to-listen podcast about introducing effective events for married people that matter.  Why is it important?  How can we really provoke life-change through a married people program?  This is solid stuff to get you thinking.  Who knows?  Maybe you could be the catalyst for this kind of change in your church!

Recently, my wife and I did something we rarely do.  We went to go see a movie.  A movie like “The Hobbit” will definitely draw me out of my normal balking about movie prices, “we have a one-year-old” excuses, and general distaste for what comes out these days.  I’m a huge Middle Earth fan (as is my wife), so it was a no-brainer that this had to be the first movie we went out to see since having Evie.

So, we lined up one of our friends to babysit; and we were off to see the wizard (Gandalf, that is) and the amazing tale of Bilbo and more dwarves than Snow White has ever seen.  First off, I really liked the movie and thought that Peter Jackson did a good job of creating some background and motivation for certain characters that just isn’t there in Tolkien’s book.  One aspect that was tweaked a little bit was the dwarves motivation for raiding the Lonely Mountain to take on the evil dragon, Smaug.

In the book, it seems like the dwarves are only concerned with getting rich off of the gold that Smaug stole and is guarding.  But, the movie really emphasizes this idea that the dwarves are essentially homeless wanderers because of Smaug.  He destroyed their kingdom (in the Lonely Mountain) and plopped down on their gold, basically bullying the dwarves out of their home.

There is a key scene that got me thinking about youth ministry (well, any ministry for that matter).  In it, Thorin (the leader of the dwarves) challenges Bilbo (a hobbit) as to why he doesn’t just leave this difficult quest and go home to his comfy home in the Shire.  Bilbo responds that it is exactly because he has a home that he wants to stick with the dwarves.  Because he knows what home is like, he wants to aid the dwarves in having that feeling of home.

In the movie, the dwarves are rough and grumbly because of sixty years of wandering (ok, and maybe just some due to dwarvishness).  And maybe that’s exactly why teenagers can be rough and grumbly, that classic “angst.”  Yeah, I’m sure some of it is just par for the course (because it’s just teenageness); but I think part of it is because our teens just don’t know the feeling of home.

I see teenagers pretending to be something they’re not all the time, trying to impress whomever they can to get attention that they crave, pouring all their emotions into love interests, trying on new personalities and points of view, and generally demonstrating the behavior of wandering souls.

And that is precisely why, as a youth leader, I am staying on this quest.  I know what home in a relationship with Jesus feels like (being where I’m supposed to be, what I’m supposed to be, and with whom I’m supposed to live life)– and I want to share that with these dwarves…I mean teens.

We all need home.

My family and I went on a trip to Disneyland for Christmas this year.  Over the next few weeks, I’m going to share a series of thoughts from the trip.

Here’s thought number two:

Vacation gets a bad rap, but it’s worth it.

It’s always going to cost money to go places.  It’s never going to make sense.  And, yeah, traveling through the Grapevine or driving through LA traffic can cause tension; but I want to make vacation a priority.  It’s just a part of creating a rhythm in my own home.  I want Evie and Mary Kate to know that they’re important to me.

So, even though I’m terminally cheap and kind of lazy, I realized that this vacation thing has to be a part of Evie’s childhood.  We will always remember the moments that we had together.  I think of the sappy song that Disney uses in their commercials, “You and me, together, forever.”  I was thinking to myself, “Evie at fourteen months. Now showing for a limited time.”  Might as well take advantage of this time when she thinks Minnie is real and she actually wants to be held by her daddy.

I never went to Disney World when I was a kid.  I did go on a couple of vacations, but I didn’t feel like it was a rhythmic part of my life.  Some years we went (which was awesome); some years we didn’t.  I used to envy families who prioritized vacation.

Then a weird thing happened: as I was trying to figure out what following Jesus looked like, I started to equate vacations with “excess” and somehow spiritualized not taking a vacation (as if real Christians can’t spend money on fun with their family).  As with anything, I think we can take things too far.  First things first, followers of Jesus should at least tithe to their local church; so you’re think about your vacation budget with the other 90% of your money.  [I think a lot of people do vacation (a great thing) above tithing (a way more important thing), so we do need to check our priorities.]  But, after that, why wouldn’t you invest in memories with your family?

I think of all the “stuff” I could buy Evie, and I found that nothing can replace the time in a magical place for children like Disney Land.  I remember thinking a few months ago while on vacation with my in-laws.  I was thankful that they were paying our way to have this experience; but, simultaneously, I was thinking, “Self, why can’t I prioritize doing this with MK and Evie?”  I know we could have done the more logical thing and made more progress in reducing our debt instead of going on this trip, but I made a judgment call: that can wait– these moments won’t.  We went.

How do you prioritize vacations in your family?  I guess the conversation is somewhat appropriate considering that you could start saving now…

In case you missed it, here are some great things to stimulate your thinking…

On the parenting front, check out my post from Tuesday about “seizing the dance” in your relationships with your kids.  In response to the post, one of my good friends mentioned what it would look like to “seize the dance” as a parent of an older boy:

“This post reminded me of two weeks ago at church, I’m lying on the ground in a pile of artificial snow as my son drags me round by my boot laughing as other little boys also throw snow at me. For a moment I thought what am I doing but the look on my son’s face and the kids around me was priceless and worth it!”

Also, I highly recommend Carey Nieuwhof’s piece on Orange Parents about getting our hearts in the right place as parents.  There, he lists five practical ways to fight through hardness of heart.

For ministry, check out Thursday’s piece on the “long view” in ministry, reminding us that sometimes things take time.  Sometimes we need to be reminded that God’s story and schedule is different than our own.

Also, check out Orange Leaders’ piece about setting reasonable goals for the next year.  It’s amazing to think how much a person could accomplish if they just set small goals for each week (like writing two personal notes of encouragement).  In the end, that would be over 100 notes in a year!

Finally, I want to recommend to everyone I know My One Word by Mike Ashcraft and Rachel Olsen.  So far, it’s really gotten me thinking about my “new year’s resolution.”  If you check it out and choose to participate in coming up with one word to focus the change in your life, share it with me (and I’ll share mine).

I had one of those good phone calls recently.  As a youth pastor, there are definitely phone calls you dread, Facebook statuses that make you cringe, and emails that get your heart racing.  But, once in a blue moon, you get a really cool phone call that puts the other stuff into perspective.

A “kid” called me after me not hearing from him for ten years.

This was a kid that I always felt bittersweet about.  In one sense, I was proud of the fact that I had invested in him, sharing the Gospel, sharing how to have a relationship with Jesus, etc.  This was a kind-hearted kid who I’d spend a lot of time with, wrestling with life and faith.  In another sense, though (and this is probably compounded by there being no social networking ten years ago), I was very sad that we had lost touch.  He slipped out of my life when I was a young 24-year-old youth pastor, and I hadn’t talked to him since.  Since then, I’ve moved to California from North Carolina.  Seriously, what were the odds we’d ever talk again?

Yet it happened.  And it was cool.

Reconnecting was fun.  It was cool to hear that he was reconnecting to church because HIS KIDS (geez, am I getting this old?) were dragging him to church on Sunday morning.  ”Daddy, we have to go to church!”  Love it.  It’s awesome to hear that he’s going to be getting into a small group where he can grow in his faith.  Awesome, awesome, awesome.

I got to pray with him on the phone, knowing that this wouldn’t be the last conversation we have.  It’s amazing to think that he is now a veteran dad (with an eight-year-old and a four-year-old, I think), and I have much to learn from him.

This “kid” (who is now 27-years-old and a dad!) reminded me that sometimes we need to realize that God is writing a story with our lives.  And, yeah, sometimes there are some chapters that make us wonder what’s going on; but some of us with short-term gratification issues (most of us youth pastors and parents, more than likely) need to realize that there is a longer story that God is writing.

I’m excited to hear about this young man as he continues to grow in his faith and becomes an instrumental part of his children’s faith.  His story encourages me when I’m discouraged.  When students slip out the backdoor of the ministry I’m entrusted to lead, I have to remember that, for some people, it takes time– but God IS writing a story.  And I’m sure that for parents who are struggling with a teenager who’s just not “feeling church” right now, it could be an encouragement too.

Sometimes things take time.  Ten years maybe.  Maybe more.  In the end, though, the only thing that matters is a person’s relationship with Jesus Christ.  This boy/man is back on track.  Amen.

Recently I went with my wife and Evie to Disneyland. We sure packed a lot of fun experiences into a few days. Over the next few weeks, I’m going to share a series of observations from mt time there…

My first observation is:

I always want to be the kind of dad who dances.

The family and I were at Disney California Adventure and were able to stumble upon a “Disney Dance Party.” I walked into a huge room that had a bunch of toddlers, moms, and grandparents dancing (dads sitting off to the side) along with Disney characters to songs from the Spice Girls, One Direction, and Cyndi Lauper.

Evie was rocking back and forth the moment I carried her in, and she was blown away by all the characters [Clarabelle, Marie (the cute white cat from Aristocats), Clarice (the female chipmunk), Drizella & Anastasia (Cinderella's wicked stepsisters), Abbagail (the ugly duckling), and the Queen of Hearts].

I swooped up my little girl and danced with her. Why would you pay so much money to go to Disneyland and not dance with your daughter? Dudes were off to the side losing daddy points in the comfy chairs, and it made me kind of sad. For once in my life, I was unapologetic that I knew all the words to One Direction’s, “Beautiful.”

As part of the “fighting for the heart” of our kids, we’ve got to learn to play WITH them. I don’t think I’m a hero for dancing WITH my daughter; I’m just confused about why we often squander those opportunities. Evie will only be this age, this size, thinking those Disney characters are real for so long. We’ve got to seize the day here. I looked up the Latin (and, yeah, my cousin who majored in Latin can correct me on this one), but I have a new phrase:

If carpe diem means “seize the day,” maybe a new phrase can be “carpe saltare”? Seize the dance?

Fine, I don’t know if that translates well; but you get the idea.

We have to fight for the hearts of our kids. At the end of the day, this isn’t a Hallmark card or Disney commercial sentiment. This is about nurturing that relationship so that, when you do teach your kid about Jesus and who He is, they’ll trust you because you took the time to dance. When some teenage dirtbag makes them feel worthless when they’re rejected at fourteen, they’ll talk to you because you took the time to dance. Hey, I know it won’t guarantee it; but it’s got to increase the odds somewhat. I fight for the heart of Evie through doing these things right now.

It may look different for you depending on the age and gender of your kid, but there are “dance moments” that you can choose to either sit on the sideline or dance (or throw or listen or hold or watch).

Carpe saltare. Oh, and Happy New Year!

“Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes.  Turn and face the strange.”

Cool song.  Good way to describe navigating changes.  David Bowie knows that change and strange not only rhyme but are also connected.  If a leader wants to lead change, he is leading people into a place that is strange.

Ultimately, that’s what leaders do.  I’ve heard the term “change agent” kicked around; and that definition works for me.  I don’t know a lot of leaders who are applauded for “keeping everything exactly the way it was” before he/she started.

Just a reminder, I wear two hats in my life.  I’m a father of a one-year-old, Evie and husband of my beautiful wife, Mary Kate– that’s my family hat.  Then I’m also the shepherd-leader (change agent!) of the student ministry team at my local church– that’s my church hat.  Obviously, this idea of making changes is going to apply more to my student ministry side; but, before I get started, let me also say that I really think Orange Dad exists for me (and other parents) to change the culture of parenting.  Somehow, we’ve got to get back to the most basic fundamental truth about parenting: our kids need to have a real relationship with Jesus.  And, since our culture screams for us to be about so many more less-important things: orange dads and orange moms (parents who partner with the church to reach their kids) need to ALSO be change agents.  Turn and face the strange.

So…about this book, “Leading Change Without Losing It” by Carey Nieuwhof.  For one, you can buy it (with some inexpensive introductory prices) here.  Go, buy it now.  We can talk about it later.  Also, check out his personal blog, for more content about leading through change.

Carey starts with the question of what do you do when your dream faces resistance and opposition:

For some, that’s it.  The dream just dies.

For others, you settle for incremental change (which sucks the life out of the dream).

For many, you just leave.

And then there are those cool “change agents” who lead change successfully.

As Uncle Si would say, “Hey, who do want to be, Jack?”

If you chose option #4, you can keep reading the book.  The book is organized into a easy-to-use (and refer-back-to) structure.  There are five strategies that Carey introduces about turning a whole group to face the strange.  Within each chapter, which is wrapped around that strategy, there are sub-tips, a Biblical reference point (to help us see that he isn’t making this stuff up!), and some thought-provoking questions.  Here are the five strategies:

1. Do the math.  Calculate who is actually opposed.

It turns out that there is a loud and memorable minority of people who will get in the way of change; and, if we’re not careful to do the math and see the big picture, we could get psyched out before we get going!

2. Choose your focus.  Decide whether you will focus on who you want to reach or who you want to keep.

This one is so tough for me.  Sometimes I find myself spinning my wheels trying to not loose that one person when, for all intents and purposes, they’re already gone.  And, besides, our changes should be motivated by people we aren’t reaching yet.  I doubt even 10% of teenagers and families of teenagers in my area go to church.  I need to be careful that I don’t allow internal grumbling shift my focus off of that big picture.

3. Find a filter.  Develop the questions that will shape your future.

This is a good one.  In the midst of the change, you may question yourself (which oftentimes is right to do)– but it’s wise to develop a group of people and a set of questions through which you can process the tension.

4. Attack problems, not people.  Help people see you are for them even if you are not for their ideas.

This is easily the toughest for me.  And I’m glad Carey was transparent about his struggles in this area too.  It made me feel a little less crazy that my inner mafia boss rears his ugly head every once in awhile.  I can’t help how I feel when people are opposing my ideas sometimes, but I can always control how I act.  So, turning to God and empathizing with others is a huge aspect of this chapter.

5. Don’t quit.  Persevere until your critical breakthrough.

The grass always seems greener on the other side.  But, Carey discusses in this chapter how, sometimes, on the precipice of the greatest change, it’s going to feel really bad.  And that struggle sometimes KO’s a lot of leaders prematurely.  But, God is writing this huge story; and how awesome is it to think that we can play a huge part– if we just don’t quit.

I love this book.  I read it in one sitting.  I’m going to refer back to it frequently over the next few months because we’re going to be navigating all kinds of changes.  And, although I’ve read some goodies in the past (“Leading Change” by John Kotter would have been my go-to up until now)– I find Carey’s book to reflect a more “Christian” side to the whole equation with Biblical undercurrents, motivations, and ways of treating people.  I easily connected with this more.  Leading change should never feel like a manipulative, systematic way to get things done; and I feel like Carey really focuses on the importance of “how” we lead change.

I don’t know if it’s intentional.  Probably not.  But, I think the title fits in two ways.  Obviously, we want to lead change without losing “it,” meaning our sanity.  But, I’ve also heard people talk about relational “change.”  When we honor someone, we deposit more relational sway or “change” in our pockets.  When we dishonor someone, we make a withdrawal from that account.    Carey really talks about how to lead change without losing “it,” and it’s possible to also see that as meaning without losing “relational influence and honor.”  Double meaning?  Probably not.  But I thought it was kind of cool of looking at it because it does apply.

So…what are some changes that you are thinking about undergoing, in the midst of, or having just navigated through?

I already wrote about the difference the Orange Tour made in our church previously.  You can check that out here.

But, today, I want to dream a little bit about what this year’s going to mean for all the kinds of people who are going:

* one of our pastors

* a few pre-school ministry volunteers

* a few children’s ministry volunteers

* a few youth ministry volunteers

* an elder

* both of our “front-door” administrative staff

* two representatives from our during-the-week child care center

* our coordinator for our transitional 5th-6th grade ministry

We’re bringing a team of sixteen.  These people happen to be small group leaders, husbands, wives, fathers, mothers, grandmothers, college-students, older siblings, coaches, leaders in their workplaces, etc.  It’s wild to think what this year is going to yield.  Will you please be praying for our team as we travel next Tuesday?

Pray that God teaches us something new.  The question that Orange is throwing out on their web site is “How do you transition your church to have more influence within your community?“

Pray that we can rethink how we do church (and parenting).

Pray that we can start a conversation that will renew our passion and purpose.

Pray that we gather practical tools to pass on our timeless mission to make disciples of Jesus who make disciples to the next generation.

And, oh, hey, I hope we see you there or hear about you and yours at another stop on the Orange Tour.  You can click here for all the tour dates and locations.  I know there’s already scheduled a couple in Texas in January; and, don’t don’t don’t forget about the Orange Conference.  Check out what that’s all about here.  And check out some pictures from the first day of last year’s.